Archive July 2010
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The No Judgement Zone
- By: Mo Morrissey
- On: 07/21/2010 07:18:56
- In: New And Creative Ways to Hurt Yourself
- Comments: 0
When kids come home from college over the Thanksgiving break of their Freshman year, their families typically notice a most interesting thing has changed - their clothes don’t seem to fit too well, usually because of the additional heat in the dryer of course. It seems that over the last month or so, my dryer has been shrinking my clothes at a rather alarming rate as well. It seems that with a little idle time, my mouth may have been doing a little more exercising than the rest of my body.
So, this week I made the pledge to myself that I was going back to the gym. It’s been a while due to a multitude of reasons - I keep telling myself that it was the hand surgeries that was keeping me away, but the fact of the matter is that...well, I hadn’t been in a while before I messed up my hand. So, up and attem first thing in the morning. Discovered that my gym had apparently doubled in size - which is good, because it kept me from feeling like the only one that had - and I was all discombobulated at first. Where the hell are MY machines?
Eventually I found them...and in so doing I came to find how much muscle mass I’d lost. Back to square one, but man when those endorphins start popping, it completely changes the outlook for the day. That is until I realized that the Central Air Conditioning about which I was gloating how cold it was making my house 24 hours before, had crapped out and leaked all over the basement carpet.
One wet/dry vac and a few hours later, those popping endorphins were doing a lot less of it. Not to mention the feeling the next day when it seemed to me that I had aged about 30 years over night. Needless to say, the gym wasn’t in the cards that next morning. It felt like my arms were going to snap off if I moved them much beyond shoulder level. Let’s just say that under no circumstances am I taking up yoga any time soon. I spent that day pretty much on ice and in the pool.
I made it back to the gym the day after and worked on those same muscles. It can be quite amazing what muscles remember...like the pain of the last few days of having been asked to, you know, do something other than lift a potato chip to my mouth. It’s feeling pretty good to actually be in the gym and lifting, but man those creaky muscles are giving me what for, So I decided to reward my good behavior with trading in cardio time for the tanning bed. And I wonder why I’m not stronger.
Now, I belong to a gym that calls itself “The No Judgement Zone.” The fact is though, I do feel judged. I walk in and the woman tells me I owe them $40...I’m like I haven’t even been here in months. Just the look in her eye told me I was being judged. I didn’t think much of the tattoo on her neck, but I didn’t judge. Then I walk over to the bench press, and those dudes are judging me. What am I going to do, though? Go to the front counter and complain that these guys are breaking the gym rules? That I’m being judged?
This “no judgement” thing is all well and good, but I arrived one morning to find a spread of bagels and cream cheese - Bagel Tuesday. The first Monday night of the month is Pizza Monday. Seriously? Don’t you think you’re taking this no judgement thing a little too seriously when you have a pack of fatties showing up, scarfing down 4-slices of meat-lovers’ pie and then going off to do 5-minutes on a treadmill? I mean, I’d only eat 3-slices and do at least 10-minutes, but you can just imagine some folks just taking advantage of the situation.
In addition, this place has this insane early 90’s thing going on - purple and yellow themed EVERYTHING. When I originally signed up at this place I said to the kid that the 90’s would be calling for their stuff back at any moment. He then led me over to this chair shaped like a hand to sign a contract. I was getting these freakish “cult” vibes, but for $20 a month, I’ll deal with the freaks...you know, when I actually wind up going.
Sometimes you have to suck it up, but man this cult-like adherence to passe color schemes, bad disco music on the sound system, and “lunk” alarms kind of freak me out. And, oh by the way, if someone decides someone else is being a “lunk” (defined as one who drops weights or “judges”) isn’t that kind of a judgement, too? I mean, that thing goes off and the entire place looks at you and makes you feel pretty small...not that it’s ever happened to me, of course, but that’s clearly a judgement. Am I right? I mean, I’m resisting the temptation to judge the “nude dude” in the locker room with his 50” waist which has the tendency to cover up his junk - which is a good thing for everyone else in there.
As an aside, one of my favorite websites is passiveaggressivenotes.com where they have all these pictures of really funny stuff - like the roommate complaining about her stuff being eaten and the like. I had a moment where I’m standing in the middle of what must’ve been 3/4 of a can of talc on the floor, and I look up to find a notice on the wall about being courteous when using powder in the locker room. I sooo wanted to snap a picture of it, but given that the nude dude was about, I didn’t want him to think I was some kind of “prevert.”
Despite all of this negative reinforcement I’m fighting through, I’m still mustering up the emotional energy to get to the gym this morning and do it all over again. If nothing else, I’ll at least get some bagels and some quiet mediation in the tanning bed....oh yeah, and stronger muscles and stuff. Just don't judge me.
So, this week I made the pledge to myself that I was going back to the gym. It’s been a while due to a multitude of reasons - I keep telling myself that it was the hand surgeries that was keeping me away, but the fact of the matter is that...well, I hadn’t been in a while before I messed up my hand. So, up and attem first thing in the morning. Discovered that my gym had apparently doubled in size - which is good, because it kept me from feeling like the only one that had - and I was all discombobulated at first. Where the hell are MY machines?
Eventually I found them...and in so doing I came to find how much muscle mass I’d lost. Back to square one, but man when those endorphins start popping, it completely changes the outlook for the day. That is until I realized that the Central Air Conditioning about which I was gloating how cold it was making my house 24 hours before, had crapped out and leaked all over the basement carpet.
One wet/dry vac and a few hours later, those popping endorphins were doing a lot less of it. Not to mention the feeling the next day when it seemed to me that I had aged about 30 years over night. Needless to say, the gym wasn’t in the cards that next morning. It felt like my arms were going to snap off if I moved them much beyond shoulder level. Let’s just say that under no circumstances am I taking up yoga any time soon. I spent that day pretty much on ice and in the pool.
I made it back to the gym the day after and worked on those same muscles. It can be quite amazing what muscles remember...like the pain of the last few days of having been asked to, you know, do something other than lift a potato chip to my mouth. It’s feeling pretty good to actually be in the gym and lifting, but man those creaky muscles are giving me what for, So I decided to reward my good behavior with trading in cardio time for the tanning bed. And I wonder why I’m not stronger.
Now, I belong to a gym that calls itself “The No Judgement Zone.” The fact is though, I do feel judged. I walk in and the woman tells me I owe them $40...I’m like I haven’t even been here in months. Just the look in her eye told me I was being judged. I didn’t think much of the tattoo on her neck, but I didn’t judge. Then I walk over to the bench press, and those dudes are judging me. What am I going to do, though? Go to the front counter and complain that these guys are breaking the gym rules? That I’m being judged?
This “no judgement” thing is all well and good, but I arrived one morning to find a spread of bagels and cream cheese - Bagel Tuesday. The first Monday night of the month is Pizza Monday. Seriously? Don’t you think you’re taking this no judgement thing a little too seriously when you have a pack of fatties showing up, scarfing down 4-slices of meat-lovers’ pie and then going off to do 5-minutes on a treadmill? I mean, I’d only eat 3-slices and do at least 10-minutes, but you can just imagine some folks just taking advantage of the situation.
In addition, this place has this insane early 90’s thing going on - purple and yellow themed EVERYTHING. When I originally signed up at this place I said to the kid that the 90’s would be calling for their stuff back at any moment. He then led me over to this chair shaped like a hand to sign a contract. I was getting these freakish “cult” vibes, but for $20 a month, I’ll deal with the freaks...you know, when I actually wind up going.
Sometimes you have to suck it up, but man this cult-like adherence to passe color schemes, bad disco music on the sound system, and “lunk” alarms kind of freak me out. And, oh by the way, if someone decides someone else is being a “lunk” (defined as one who drops weights or “judges”) isn’t that kind of a judgement, too? I mean, that thing goes off and the entire place looks at you and makes you feel pretty small...not that it’s ever happened to me, of course, but that’s clearly a judgement. Am I right? I mean, I’m resisting the temptation to judge the “nude dude” in the locker room with his 50” waist which has the tendency to cover up his junk - which is a good thing for everyone else in there.
As an aside, one of my favorite websites is passiveaggressivenotes.com where they have all these pictures of really funny stuff - like the roommate complaining about her stuff being eaten and the like. I had a moment where I’m standing in the middle of what must’ve been 3/4 of a can of talc on the floor, and I look up to find a notice on the wall about being courteous when using powder in the locker room. I sooo wanted to snap a picture of it, but given that the nude dude was about, I didn’t want him to think I was some kind of “prevert.”
Despite all of this negative reinforcement I’m fighting through, I’m still mustering up the emotional energy to get to the gym this morning and do it all over again. If nothing else, I’ll at least get some bagels and some quiet mediation in the tanning bed....oh yeah, and stronger muscles and stuff. Just don't judge me.
